In keeping with Dating Mr. Darcy's prescription for self-examination (discussed in a previous post), I applied the four steps: solitude, self-analysis, admission (she says confession, but I like admission better), and moving forward. I'm not going to break down my delvings into each step, but instead just write a free flowing response that was inspired by a piece of fan fiction.
I also want to add some notes on self-awareness from the website www.sheerbalance.com. Here are the elements:
empathy
admission (admitting when you're wrong)
acknowledging and working on flaws
humility
likability
tolerance
And some questions from the website to ask yourself to get started:
- Do you listen to others during a conversation? Or, do you tend to do a lot of the talking?
- Do you ask others how they feel about situations? Or, do you make assumptions based on your own feelings?
- Do you think about how your actions affect others? Or, are you confident that others are fine with how you handle situations?
- Are you aware of other people’s social cues? Or, do you mostly focus on your own?
- Can you admit when you are wrong, and have apologized when you are? Or, do you tend to think that things are wrong or go bad because of others?
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Okay, so on with the examination. Hope you've got stamina. This is a long one.
Per my post of a couple of weeks ago - during the snowstorms - I sort of stalled on this project. I felt I needed a thesis. I couldn't articulate to anyone, very clearly, why I was doing this project. I knew what the project entailed, but not what its purpose was or where I hoped to end up. Now I do.
In Mr. Bennet's words, read on!
A QUESTION OF CHARACTER
During the snowstorms we had, between the shoveling, my car’s dead battery, and trying to catch up on work remotely, I could only focus on Austen fan fiction, specifically, as mentioned earlier, Pamela Aidan’s trilogy about Darcy’s version of P&P.
In the third book, Darcy and Georgiana have a conversation about character, both having learned about their own—the core realization of what has colored their ideas, beliefs, and behaviors, until they both experienced an awakening—Georgiana through her near-miss with Wickham, and Darcy through Elizabeth’s refusal of his proposal.
Here’s what the narrator tells us about Darcy when he’s lamenting his bad behavior and lack of self-awareness: “Yet, in all the upright principles he imbibed and all their attendant expectations in whose precise fulfillment he took pride, he saw now that he was a mere observer, a creature of convention and propriety. Never had he allowed the world beyond his immediate family any claim upon him…Like a chess master, he had ordered his life according to his own unbridled prejudices and the conceits of his class, congratulating himself on his adherence to them and dismissing all that did not conform to them as unworthy of his consideration.”
(Let’s pause here and admit – at least I will – that we all do this. We make changes or changes come into our lives, or into the larger world, things are shaken up and, as a result, the veils are lifted; we see our lives, actions, thoughts, feelings, behavior, habits, desires (you name it) as clearly as if lightning is flashing in our brains, and we see what must be adjusted. It all seems so simple. The window doesn’t stay open long, though. How many adjustments we manage before it closes and the new status quo takes hold is up to us. I feel like this blog is one such window.)
Georgiana’s reply is this, “I have always been encouraged to think so well of myself. Insulated by wealth and rank from any serious demand upon my character, I had little experience of its worth. I have since learned that in those more important things I am poor, helpless, and needy. It was the most important lesson I have in this life to learn.”
I know this is fan fic, so not Austen speaking to us, but it still struck home for me. I was raised solidly middle class, not upper, but every class has its own sphere within which it harbors its own beliefs and prejudices designed to exclude. You don’t have to have money to be insulated. Everyone within the class is trying to meet and keep the basic standards. In my ‘safe’ little surburban world the houses were all the same, there were 2-3 children per family, a dog, Dad went to work, Mom stayed home, we took our annual vacation to the beach, and everyone looked like us. There wasn't any poverty or violence or addiction. No job loss. No serious illness. No orphaned or abandoned or neglected or abused children. No bad things. Which we all know is B.S. That stuff is just well hidden. But I grew up not really knowing it existed for the longest time.
I grew up Catholic, as mentioned, and the church and my parents fed me what was right and wrong and, like most lessons when you’re young, I learned them by repetition and memorization, not experience. As a teenager, I had the usual tests of character—drugs, drinking, sex and successfully navigated them all. But what’s at stake here, in terms of what Darcy and Georgiana are discussing and referring to about character, is something different.
They are referring to a mixing with, a curiosity about, an attempt to understand, a respect and compassion for - those outside of their class. Those living a very different sort of life from them. And acknowledging that your class doesn't dictate who you are inside - your character. Having all the privileges in the world and accepting the right principles from one's parents doesn't make you of good character. It's how you put what you know into practice.
When I look at my life in those terms, I'm still insulated. I live in Southeast Baltimore, in a very diverse mix of cultures and races--Greek, Polish, Latino, African-American, Hungarian, White--and different income levels. I live near people who make a lot of money, and I live near a drug dealer who wears dirty clothes and never leaves his house. And many other types of people in between. Drug dealer aside, this diversity is why I love living here. I chose to live in this area, to get as far away from the insular middle class suburban world as I could. But putting oneself in the right place doesn't make for instant interaction, friendship, or knowledge of people unlike yourself. You can still be isolated. You have to engage. Not for the sake of doing something - but doing something you can put your heart into.
I pass a shelter for men every day on my way home, notice the line of men stretched around the corner, waiting to get in for the evening meal and a bed, and it doesn't completely register - it's something I notice on the way home—like people waiting for a bus. It's part of the normal cycle of the day in my neighborhood. I just use that as an example. To make this about volunteering at soup kitchens or something is to be superficial and dismissive about both volunteering and the depth of the question about character. It's an understanding of self, something you project, exude, naturally, and then it's about how your offer that understanding to others in all situations. And it can be uncomfortable as you step out of your safe zone.
Which takes courage and curiosity. I feel I am sorely lacking in curiosity of late. Aside from this project, curiosity seems an indulgence I just don't have time for. Or rather, that I'm not making time for. I need to cultivate some curiosity about myself, for this project, even, and haven't been doing that deeply at all. And curiosity beyond myself? Nonexistent at this moment. Terrible realization! To not cultivate it also seems indulgent. Ack.
And what does this have to do with Austen? Class and the differences between them (and therefore limitations of interaction) are an intrinsic part of the novels, but really, Austen is more concerned with a character’s integrity, with his or her use of good principles, having the to command the self. All of this within the sphere of propriety and social codes where they do honor to another, not give certain classes permission to be arrogant and conceited and full of pride.
So individual first, exhibiting a good sense of right and wrong, and respect and compassion for one’s fellow man and woman and oneself. Good manners, but with a good heart and a good mind behind them. I think of Emma with her basket visiting the poor and sick because she thinks she should. Like her resolution to be a better reader. And giving gifts of pork to Miss Bates for the same reason. Through Mr. Knightley she learns that the gifts should be given out of mutual respect and the honor of being in a position to be of service to someone else.
Oh, good manners, the very basic way to start down the road to character, how we miss you in today’s world! We get impatient and/or ignore people, like the person checking out our groceries or the toll collector on the highway. Even a professor or our dentist. We have a lot to do and getting groceries, getting to work, getting our teeth cleaned is just one of many things on our list and we need to get them checked off as quickly as possible. The people involved can become a means to an end—they are their office, the service(s) they perform—not real people with real lives and feelings.
Worse still, how often do we treat ourselves in this way—ignore our feelings, needs, our bodies, our dreams, because we just don’t have time for them!
And Marianne, as Colonel Brandon’s wife, will now, as we’re told, have tenants to look after, and a new sense of obligation to others as mistress of Delaford. How hard won this understanding of herself and what’s expected of her has been! She had to nearly die, she’s stopped playing music (we assume she’ll pick it back up again now that she’s over Willoughby), and (much as I adore Colonel Brandon) she’s also pretty much ‘gifted’ to Colonel Brandon as a sort of reward for all of his suffering. Yes, she grows to love him, and growing to love someone isn’t a bad thing, but the tone of how that’s offered to us sounds a little sad for all involved.
The absence of Marianne’s lively spirit is such a palpable loss. She’s making the right choices and doing the right things, but something is missing. She’s broken in a way Elinor is not broken, because Elinor was able to manage her feelings. Marianne is rushing to extremes with her 'course of serious study' but it is a worthy endeavor and we hope she'll find her true level and not entirely turn her back on romantic poetry.
Interesting how nearly dying seems a more legitimate way to mourn a lost love, rather than keeping a hold of oneself and being upset but realistic. How we have been convinced that to be carried away, uncontrollably, by one’s feelings, to indulge them completely is the true way. The way of true romance, where having a romantic nature is something to be proud of. Women are encouraged by movies and books and magazines to perpetuate the romantic dream. I think it crowds out - robs us of - the sensibility we need, that Elinor has.
But back to character. I give myself a 7 on the scale from 1 to 10. I think one should leave room for improvement. (After reading this, you may have decided I'm a 4!) We all like to think we are 8s, 9s, and 10s, but think carefully! If you are, good for you. Really. Please leave me a comment about why you feel you are (or are not). In the meantime, I will pay attention to the smallest of moments in which I'm called to do better.
This is why I’m doing this project. To wake up to my character, my heart, my life, and those around me—stranger or friend. To be reminded by Austen of the true north of ‘good’ and ‘right.’ WWJD – What Would Jane Do? I guess. Or Lizzy, Anne, Elinor….To improve my mind, but be more of the world and its people and ideas, by comparison to the past - historical, literary, etc. Somehow I’m understanding the present and preparing for the future by reading into the past. This makes a jumbled sort of sense to me.
Things really became clear after I met with Professor Juliette Wells, the Austen Scholar visiting my alma mater, Goucher College, as their Burke Jane Austen Visiting Scholar (awarded every other year). The recipient comes to Goucher for a week, gives a talk, meets with faculty and students, and does research in the Austen collection created by the Burkes (Henry Burke, apparently, cofounded JASNA with Joan Austen-Leigh and J. David Gray in 1979. The first 25 years of the JASNA archives are at Goucher).
Juliette was very supportive of my project and asked great questions that helped me clarify my purpose. She told me that my project was in keeping with the 18th Century tradition of reading literature for the purpose of moral improvement. (I'll go more into our discussion in another post.) That really clicked for me and started the parting of the clouds. I listened to her interview on Penguin Classics On Air (link to follow) and here's what she said about Lizzy Bennet (remember, I'm told I'm like Lizzy in every quiz I take) that completed the clearing for me:
"I think people are very attracted to a character like Elizabeth, who is determined to find her own happiness. She will not compromise....She is waiting to be appreciated by someone who knows her for who she is and who can help her become a better person. And if you put it that way, this connects directly to our own search in the 21st Century to actualize ourselves and become the fullest version of ourselves. "
That's it! My purpose for this project. To use this course of study as a means of moving forward to self-actualization and becoming the fullest version of myself. I honestly believe that Marianne's course of study, once she stopped blaming and berating herself for her past behavior and found her level, served her the same purpose.
Here's the link to the interview. Hope this wasn't too much of a ramble.
Why We Love Jane Austen - Juliette Wells interview on Penguin Classics On Air
